I’m going to start doing real and intelligent posts again soon, I promise. I’m just a bit hectic at the moment with a bunch of random commitments. Like committing to help with uni assignments, bake for school fundraisers, and repair clothing. None are large tasks, but all require a pretty decent time commitment, and leave me feeling pretty wiped.
I’m also feeling a little lost at the moment, and am trying to figure out where I want to take both myself and Heidielka from here. As I start to feel better I tend to have less time to spend/waste trolling the internet for cool stuff, and writing long odes to things I love. Which is probably a good thing for you, as I do tend to ramble. The thing is, while I’m getting busier, and doing more each day, I don’t actually feel like I’m moving forward. I feel kind of like this guy:
Except, instead of needing a hand to hold while driving, I need one simply to get through life. It all seems a little too hard and a lot too scary after being somewhat stationary for the past eighteen months. I don’t know what to tell future employees when asked what I’ve been up to the last two years, I don’t know how to best interpret how many hours I am capable of each week, and I’m not sure I can cope with the pressure of being the new kid on the block.
Five years ago none of this would have bothered me. I’m not saying I was super confident, but I knew I could bluff my way through an interview, push through thirty-and-forty-hour weeks, and fake it ’til I made it with any task thrown at me. I knew how to do life rather than letting it do me. These days, with a combination of being almost thirty, trying to keep a handle on the ME/CFS and PCOS, and being out of practice when it comes to anything other than working a cash register, I’m scared. I’m scared of failing and of looking like a failure. I’m petrified of being incapable of doing things that used to come so easy. And I don’t remember how to act confident in myself and my abilities when inside I feel useless and confused.
This year was supposed to be about building my self-confidence and learning to love who I am no matter what. Sadly, in the euphoria of a brand new year it’s very easy to commit to things you may not really be able to achieve. I’m not really sure where to go from here, or which piece of my current craptastic life-pile I should start with. It’s all just a bit too hard, and I want someone to hold my hand.